I finally found out what my one major issue is.
I physically cannot handle even the thought that someone hates me.
It weakens me, chills my blood, and releases some chemical that counteracts any endorphins I had in my system, but doesn't seem to counteract the adrenaline. There are huge circles of friends that I cannot associate with because of one person, who obviously take their side. Therefore, there are large numbers of people who hate me for the sheer fact that someone else says they hate me, and by proxy the opinion of the others' is formed.
What makes that even harder is to learn of their happiness or success.
I'm not jealous, really; I'm doing quite well, considering where I believed I would have ended up by this time -- but I still can't help but feel stabbed a little; betrayed; thrown aside like a piece of trash. For what reason? That very same circle of friends keeps me from even blindly enjoying a birthday on the town.
There is so much good going for me, but this makes me feel so bad. Maybe that's what they really wanted, to make me feel bad. Well, congratulations. You've won. You've broken me, and all I can find it right to do is continue to ignore you and the careless way you run your relationships. I give up. I quit. You'll never read this, and I'm glad. However, maybe just writing this will make the energy shift and you'll stop wishing I was dead. You'll stop noticing my name everywhere. You'll stop going out of your way to find ways to hurt me. I don't hate you -- that's too strong of a word. But you can't imagine how badly I wish I would just let it go and seethe in hatred of you. I can't forget you, we went through too much, but mark my words: I would, without hesitating -- given the chance.
This post is meant for me, to let this out. It's not open for discussion.
By no fault of anyone present tonight, this has been quite possibly the worst night I've ever experienced.
You don't know how bad.. I want to hate you.
And yet, you still somehow hold a piece of me.
So, stop using it for target practice, okay?
